Youth Of Today

I don’t know what to do.

A big part of my heart will always be promised to him… will love him until the day I die, whenever that is… But I have accepted now that my life with him is over.

I fell in love with someone else… not quite in the same way, but truly and deeply all the same. I don’t even know what has happened with us, because he would never give me an honest explanation for why he needed space from me. 
Thing is, I’m the only one he needs space from and he hasn’t spoken one word to me in a week, while busy befriending 100 new attractive females on facebook and talking to every one of them.

I’m not an idiot, I’m fairly sure there’s nothing else I can do to get us back at this point, but until he’ll speak to me, I have no way of knowing anything, and couldn’t even attempt to move on, even if I felt ready.

I still love him, but I’m starting to forget who that person is.

There are people in my life that I feel for, but that I don’t see a future with, even if everything else was less complicated.

I have ex-lovers trying to get back with me and friends trying to pursue something more, and thinking about any of it is just all too much, so I have switched off.

I’m going through the motions of surviving, but I’m not living. I spend all day and all night in bed every day. I eat, wait for the internet to come on at 2:30am… load up movies, watch them until I fall asleep, wake up, check facebook, watch the rest of the movies until the internet comes on again.

I’m forcing myself to not allow any thoughts or feelings last in my brain for longer than a millisecond. I am blank. I have gotten very good at this, after so long of being in too much pain to cope. 

This is all pointless though, isn’t it? What is it that I’m enduring all of this for anymore?

 I don’t even know.

I can’t help but know deep down that my time is over…  I haven’t recognised that yet… But I know I’ll have to eventually, and then that will be it.